June 18, 2024
A thousand thoughts that I just wanted to put into writing. An exaggeration, of course!

They say that time runs fast, especially if one breezes through life.

It is a wonderful thing, yes, for one gets a lot of memories along the way and one gets to see the different colors of life in a more profound way, you know the way they say “the little things that make life beautiful” and “the wonders of life.”

January 2018 wasn’t that far away from my mind – well, we just had a wonderful New Year together back in my city! Back in June, my family and I were hopping around the Philippines and I even made mango sago for everyone in the house.

Come September and well, good things continued to come despite the numerous day-to-day challenges in my life!

Well, I do hope that we all get good, purposeful and happy lives. At least a life where your conscience is content. Hahaha!

I am quite scared because there are times that when a lot of good things happen, this is followed also by a lot of bad things, which almost depletes the positive vibes that one gets from the good stuff.

Other times though, life goes on normally. I just hope that it’s the second result rather than the first one, because the last time the second one happened, I disappeared from school and life for three bloody months while staying at home as a literal invalid.

Sorry for saying this, but although many people say that “one should practice empathy” and that “one should be wary of the battles other people face”, I don’t believe in doing those things for incompetent people, as well as people who lack initiative.

The reason why a good number of the problems that we face in this world are due to incompetent people getting to the top of the food chain anyway.

Besides, if there’s a problem, just do it and end it, even if it means breaking through it with a sledgehammer!

Frankly though, waiting for something to happen is the worst part of it all.

You wait for someone, for something, for an event that you look forward to and you notice that the hands on the clock don’t seem to move at all.

People say I am patient with children, but everyone else knows that I am one of those people who like to do it fast – and who are so impatient that they want to do it and end it all at once, as long as the results are satisfactory.

I just hope that the waiting proves to be fruitful. I am sure that it is going to be good, but the form that it comes with is a completely different matter altogether.

I am quite afraid about the future. I am afraid about failing so hard that I won’t find the strength anymore to even stand up.

Someone close told mehepsini sirasiyla gelir” in Turkish (meaning “things will come in their own way” or “things will come in their own time”).

I’m not so sure about that, as I feel like I’ve been pushing the envelope so hard lately.

What if the door actually shuts down for real and there’s no other doors to try on anymore? Am I actually ready to grind through it with a small hammer, even if it takes years for me to do so?

Sometimes, a complete silence comes into me.

No, it is not the lack of sound or the emptiness in one’s heart, but a more subtle one. Like it’s a nagging feeling, a feeling that something has changed.

It’s as if things aren’t the same anymore – like the moments where you used to talk so freely and then all of a sudden, it’s just as if the tunes aren’t there anymore.

Probably, it’s just a negative feeling that wants to engulf me into despair. Thus, I will push it out of my mine every time it comes to me!

For the above one, I think I should know better and realize that there are times that you should go through life alone and just work it out.

I think that I should also learn how to keep my composure in a better way and remind myself of certain things, including not being unreasonable, that people can indeed be busy and that things would be delayed at some point.

I don’t want to mar the trust that has been placed on me and make people ask questions about me.

Which brings me to the oddity that while I may smile and be patient and be happy and whatnot, there are times that I just want to lash out, cry, despair and get angry even at the small stuff.

There are days when negative emotions really overwhelm me – and to be sure about it, if people would have seen it, they would have lined up and start punching me or whatever.

I fight against it. I don’t want to bow down to it.

I don’t want to live a life that is bitter, counter-productive, you name it.

I know that I can learn how to master these and harness these into better ways.

There is something that I’ve read, which says more or less as follows:

“At one point or another, persons or events will disappoint you (by the sheer fact that nothing in this world is perfect). Therefore, it is up to you to decide if the person or cause is worth living for!”

I will fight for the people and things that are dear to me, no matter what the cost is.

I do hope that I can live up to that commitment.

For everything, I am thankful that despite the challenges that I face and the fact that I’m not the person who has a pleasant personality (everyone who knows me knows very well that I have a direct and blunt way of stating opinions, plus the fact that those opinions are so unpopular that they are unpalatable to one’s sensitivities if they turn out to be true), I’m still grateful to have a loving family, a great career, a couple of good friends (though we don’t really talk everyday, well, uhhh, interpersonal skills?) and someone who tries to understand who I am and accepts me for the person that I am right now.

Seriously, thank God for all of this. As someone extremely religious would say, “Even if you pray 20 units of prayer for each blessing you receive, that will never be enough – so just be thankful as much as you can!”

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