Uncertainty

Three years ago, I joined Esports by INQUIRER.Net as a part of dream to improve my written English and combine my love of games and writing. I knew that it would be a hard journey; however, I was certain that I would learn something out of it.

However, like many things in life, there were times that I doubted whether this was the correct place that I spent my time in. Yes, right now, I’m in doubt if I should even continue writing stuff for esports.

Today, more than ever, I realized that I was able to finish more than 40,000 words of literary pieces, gaming fan fiction and all sorts of non-fiction…and that I’ve only written some 3,000 words or less of esports content since July 2017. This is proof that I never gave up on writing; heck, I get published for my “other work” and I even get something out of it.

And guess what? It turns out to be more fulfilling than spending hours researching content and covering the local scene and what? LOL. At the very least, you get to spend your time being the master of your destiny and not subject to the mercy of people who wait for you to do mistakes and crucify you for it.

But then, it is a disservice to those who closely follow your work – even though the majority of readers won’t even care if you don’t post anything. I actually feel sad when some people ask

I’m trying so hard nowadays to feel the spark that allowed me to feel the “esports beat” in my veins. It’s not there, as if it is blocked by a huge boulder, snuffing out all the light.

There are no excuses.

Frankly speaking, I just lost it. Period. Full stop.

Just like a Grey Knight sucked into the Empyrean, never to be seen again. Or can it get out?

My Favorite Moments

Some of my favourite tournaments were ESL One Manila, the Asia Minor in Johor Bahru, Malaysia, and the numerous CrossFire tournaments that I covered since 2015. I’ve had the best experiences of my life watching many epic games, talking with players and exchanging thoughts with other stakeholders on where could esports go.

It always warmed my heart when I saw the various gaming communities going behind a cause or appreciate the successes that Filipino teams in other titles achieve; moments like those made me feel that I was actually contributing something other than the articles and opinions that I carried.

Just wow.

The Worst Moments

Apart from being wrecked by my editor/s (there were quite a few of them), I would consider blunders of my own doing to be the worst I’ve did in esports.

Holy shit, I don’t even want to remember those stuff. My stomach would churn and my head would ache every time the images come into my mind.

Conclusions

I only hope that I remember once again why I loved doing esports; most especially doing esports content.

I can’t find a reason anymore to watch professional Counter-Strike, for instance – or even play my own copy of the game. Yes, I haven’t played CS:GO for the better part of a month now.

Because right now, my mind is at a blank. The hands are intact, the knowledge is there, but the iron will and determination to execute it…long gone into the Warp.

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