When you don’t remember why you loved it

I can still clearly remember the three reasons why I tried esports writing. First, I wanted to stop whatever little writing skills I have from turning into rust. Second, I wanted to find a place where video games (particularly, esports) and writing intersect. Last, but not the least, I love watching games of professional players and following their stories.

However, with the first one already covered by my emerging literary and nonfiction pursuits and losing quite a lot of love for the second and third one, I abruptly took a break from writing on all things esports.

It’s been 18 days since I published my last article and since then, a lot of things have happened. ZOWIE ExtremesLAND is about to begin, ASUS APAC is set to be held here in the Philippines, people have been unbanned from DreamHack tournaments, etc.

However, for some reason, I lost my love of writing esports. Even when I was sick back in December to February, I still wrote at least once a week, due to the fact that I needed to complete a writing portfolio for a relatively big gaming site.

I became physically drained. Quite simple as that. My lungs and legs can’t literally keep up with the heat, the rain and the sicknesses that are far and abound. Also, my mind didn’t want to do it anymore – why do the same thing again and again when you know that you can’t even fully invest your time in it? Why do it if you know that it’s going to be half-assed?

When the months went on, I felt like I was losing the touch – the flow that allowed me to quickly get my writing ideas in esports into paper…or the Web. This is partly because of reasons beyond my control (work, other writing), partly because of external reasons (no resources, somewhat unappreciative community, loss of motivation, etc.) and partly because I stopped trying – yes, because I didn’t see the point of spending hours watching film for nothing.

People have a right to demand certain things, but I don’t think they should be crucified for their mistakes. I wanted to fight back. But for the sake of the company that I was working in (thanks to them for keeping me around despite all of this), I followed their advice not to shoot back. This is not to say that I don’t have any ideas to write about – I have the drafts, but I couldn’t find the willpower to finish them, as if an invisible hand is stopping me from doing it.

Needless to say, I’m basically not writing anything about esports, apart from the occasional social media post. Sure, it was liberating not to think of all the shitty moments that you had in this field, but at the same time, you feel as if a small part of your life had been taken away.

On one hand, I’m hoping that I do remember once again why I do esports writing, because frankly speaking, I can’t remember right now what made me love it. On the other, I hope that more publications will start covering our nascent CS:GO scene; well, they already do quite well in covering international CS, so why not do the local ones too?


Footnote: I can’t bring myself to say that I’m an esports journalist, because I consider it to be a disrespect to those who do it full-time and who try their best not to screw up 100% if I use the same. Some titles aren’t to be used in vain.

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